transparency and caution

Every time I read Psalm 73, I yearn to say. . .

Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing that I desire on earth besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

 But sometimes I find my reality here. . .

But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had almost slipped, for I was envious. . .


Once a month, on Sunday evening,  the women from our Friday night Bible study meet at a local coffee place. I love these women-I'm the oldest in the group, the oldest by far.
Last week I shared with them how I find myself in Psalm 73. . .my struggles and doubts, my  repentance, worship, truth seeking, my beautiful Savior-
I told them that as someone old. . .I want to be transparent yet cautious.

If I had said, "I will speak thus," I would have betrayed the generation of your children. (Ps 73:15)
(so the psalmist didn't speak. . )

transparency with caution is wisdom, I think.
Heart, pursue wisdom. . .

This baby eats . . .
She eats hummus, salmon, brown rice and kale. . .every bite; her momma spread goat cheese on bread for our tea party- Gwyneth begged mine.
On Mothers Day Josiah made a strawberry rhubarb pie, marking an "N" in the top crust for the mothers in our family.
I thought we might trade, Gwyneth and me. . . a bite of goat cheese bread for a few bites of her pie, but nope, this girl loves pie, rhubarb pie. . .
She's one of us-and not a baby anymore.

empty spaces

Sometimes I choose train travel; really, there's so much I like about the train, especially the empty spaces when time hovers. . .
 A few weeks ago I traveled to visit Noah and Josiah and their families, by Amtrak train to Fort Worth and by Megabus to Memphis- then home again.
I loved the people time. . .and the hours of empty space, time to read and write and think; someday I'll repeat the trip.
The first morning  the train rumbled along and I read Psalm 71.
 I thought about gray hair and worthy pursuits, I wrote verse 18 in my journal and prayed the truth  for today and tomorrow and all the remaining days.

So-even to old age and gray hairs, God, do not forsake me, 

until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those to come

then I could'nt wait to get there-

on the inside-

There are times when God makes me keenly aware that he continues to work, relentlessly, graciously-on the inside. . .

I struggled recently to love someone-
I appeared loving enough on the outside, no harsh words, no retaliation, no cool stares, but resentment bubbled inside me-and that is misery, indeed.

So one night, alone with John, I pleaded, " I am absolutely unloving and selfish, help me!"

His spoke good encouragement and I'm grateful- but the next day, God confronted me on the inside through his Word:

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, compassionate hearts, kindness, 

humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another and,

if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other. . ."

(Colossians 3:12,13)

So- I told John, "Next time this happens (and it will), tell me this Scripture and exhort me to put on a compassionate heart and to bear. . ."

The law of Christ is the law of bearing (Galatians 6:2). The brother is a burden to the Christian precisely because he is a Christian; for the pagan the other person never becomes a burden at all; he simply sidesteps every burden that others may impose upon him. . . The Christian must bear the burden of a brother-he must suffer and endure the brother.  The law of Christ has been fulfilled at the cross. . .I can (and I must) bear with others. (Life Together, Bonhoeffer.)

a few Proverbs. . .

Rachel and little Ivan came for a Texas visit; one day I hung Ivan's diapers out to dry,  fitting wooden clothes pins on cloth corners, one by one. I remembered the comfortable rhythm- and dimmer is the memory of the last dry diaper pinned on my sweet baby while outside rain dripped, dripped down. . .

A few weeks ago I shared some thoughts from Proverbs for a friend's baby shower; I chose favorite verses- the faded, underlined, smudged ones, verses marked and dated in my tattered Bible.
A Proverb a day, is what I decided, and since I had some requests for for the notes. . .

Monday: Get wisdom
Wisdom cries aloud in the street, in the market the market she raises her voice- Pro 1:2
Buy truth and do not sell it, buy wisdom and instruction and understanding- Pro 23:23
(wisdom is not hidden or private nor exclusive; every woman must get wisdom, not just young women, older ones too, and not just one time. . .)

Tuesday: Pursue kindness
What is desirable in a man is his kindness- Pro 19:22
Do not let kindness and truth leave you, bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart- Pro 3:3
(Ahh. . .to make kindness part of the fabric of my life; Lord, help me to be a kind woman today!)

Wednesday: Watch my words
When words are many sin is not absent but he who holds his tongue is wise- Pro 10:19
Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be counted as cursing- Pro 27:14
(when we multiply words, we risk sinning. . .and yes, a loud voice can be rude, like cursing!)

Thursday: Abandon quarrels
Keeping away from strife is an honor to a man but any fool will quarrel- Pro 20:3
The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out- Pro 17:14
(wonderful word picture. . .pay attention to the beginning)

Friday: Work and eat
He who tills his land will have plenty of  food but he who follows empty pursuits will have plenty of poverty- Pro 28:19
. . .the precious possession of a man is diligence-Pro 12:27

Saturday: Self control protects
Like a city broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit- Pro 25:28
(the medieval city without a protecting wall was vulnerable to the enemy's attacks. . .and so am I.)

Sunday: Fear God
In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence and her children will have a refuge- Pro14:26

(it's nice when cousins hug. . .)

memories in little bags

I finished Ivan's quilt--finally. . .and very soon he'll pick it up in person.
A few weeks ago Julia came for a visit. I was in the midst of cleaning out the project room closet.
 "I think this is your junk room!" she said.
"Well, it's a room full of junk from my closet; really there's fun stuff in here." I encouraged.

One box held fabric remnants from 10 baby quilts sewn for 10 grandchildren;  Julia discovered a nice scrap of the pink rose flannel that I used for her quilt-7 years ago.
We didn't find any pieces from Josu's quilt. . . his is the lost quilt- lost somewhere between Spain-California-Mexico City (but shhh, I have a plan!).
We had fun among the junk that day; Julia helped me stuff the remnants from each quilt in little zip lock bags and then she labeled each one-she wrote Julia on the bag with pink rose flannel.

It was like putting memories in little bags, and best of all I got to share the stories with Julia.
I told her, "Now I have to get busy making 2 more quilts, one for little Titus and one for baby on the way.
A grandmother can't just sit around remembering. . .

like roses and lilies

Here in south Texas, gardening is best in early spring-

 Larkspur, white-blue-purple, reseeded in my front yard, filling the vegetable bed-lovely.
John and I worked a little in the garden on Friday; the mailman passed by with our delivery-
 "So, you got him working out here today?" he teased.
My husband doesn't love gardening but he loves me. . .he weeded and reset the little stone path outside our front door (more like building then gardening) and it's lovely.

Then Saturday morning I met my friend at a favorite place where they serve okay coffee and a perfect bran muffin;  all morning  we sat at a small round table in a sunny window. . .
"Close community among believers is the roses and lilies of the Christian life." writes Bonhoeffer.
hmmm, I'm thinking about roses and lilies that way. . .lovely.

"The Christian needs another Christian to speak God's word to him.

 He needs him again and again when he becomes uncertain and discouraged. . .and weak." 

(Life Together, Bonhoeffer)