leftovers

So-we're in a new year and it's time to wrap up these posts on thinking biblically about respect. . . always there are leftover thoughts that don't quite fit.

Last fall I brainstormed this topic with my daughter and she shared that one day a woman asked her, "Who do you call when your husband drives you crazy?"

"Who? well, I don't call anybody. . ." (and I was really really glad that she didn't say, I call my mother!)

I'm very aware of my potential to influence younger women. . .and the influence can go either way-I can encourage a woman to obey God's command to respect her husband or I can be a stumbling block, either a huge boulder or a tiny pebble.
When I visit one of my girls, I notice that the dairy products are all arranged on the middle shelf of the refrigerator, ". . .so that my husband can easily find them", she tells me.
Great, but at my house-for 40 years, my husband has never mentioned how he would like me to arrange the refrigerator (he's happy when the refrigerator has food!)
Our homes are different that way-but do you notice how I could make a comment about her husband's preference that might plant a question or disrespectful thought?
If you're an older woman like me, take care not to "go fishing"-don't solicit information from a younger woman that might lead to a disrespectful thought, comment, or attitude.

A few weeks ago I sat across the desk from a financial counselor at my bank. He mentioned that statistically wives out live their husbands. And I thought about the woman described in Proverbs 31, "She does her husband good and not harm all the days of her life."
I've been married 40 years to a good man; we don't know the future, however, if I out live him. . . then I want to model that woman in Proverbs 31:12 who respected her husband and his reputation, doing him good. . . all the days of her life.

Ahhh, the tongue. . .

Respect is a demeanor that should characterize all your communication to and about your husband.
. . . so obviously true, why even remind ourselves? But the desire to manipulate and control others with my tongue is also obvious - I need repeated reminders, over and over reminders.
"She opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." This woman communicates grace to her husband! She opens her mouth in wisdom; she displays respect, and then I'm sure she knows when to close her mouth. . .
So-how do we communicate respect-

• Respect your husband verbally-tell him that you respect him!
• write your husband a respect letter-include the obvious things you respect about him; thank him for working hard, for coming home night after night.
• Examine how you communicate about your husband when you are with other women. What impression to you give to others about your husband? (I think that the husband of the Proverbs 31 woman was known in the gates because of how she talked to others about him.)

One morning last fall a young woman invited me to her home for brunch; among the the group, I met the hostess's 2 aunts, women about my age who spoke little English. The food was amazing and the table conversation in 2 languages was fun. Then the woman to my right pointed to me, "Your husband good" and she repeated the identical statement, pointing to each woman around the table. Then she pointed to herself, "My husband no good!" Our young hostess spoke up, "She has a good husband-he works very hard."
Never downgrade your husband to anyone! with just 4 words in a language she barely spoke, this woman gave us an awful impression of her husband.
Perhaps my words aren't so blunt, my scenario not so glaring-but I've been there, I'm sure.
I'm thinking about GRACE. . .

more about respect-and listening

A wise woman builds. . .
So, respect is the opener of eyes-the more I respect about my husband, the more I will see to respect.

And respect is a demeanor that involves listening.
to listen: to pay proper attention to, to heed.

I ask myself: Do I listen carefully, or do I tune out? (when he talks to me about bicycles or the like!)
When I ask my husband, "How was your day?" do I listen, really?

Attentive listening is one of the most significant ways a wife fulfills her helper role. And besides, half listening is rude!

A young woman shared with me that her husband was wrestling with some big decisions regarding their future. "What are you doing to help him?" I asked.

"Well, when he talks to me about these issues, I ask him if he wants me to say something. . .to give my opinion, or this time would he rather that I just listen."

hmmm, good for her. . .

respectful demeanor

A wise woman builds. .
So, I've been writing a lot about how disrespect tears down-enough of that. . .
Stop tearing down! Begin to focus on your husband's good qualities even if these are not the qualities you want him to have. . .start to build.
"Respect is a demeanor that should characterize wives in all their conduct towards their husbands and in all their communication to or about their husbands--this means courtesy in the home where the husband is treated with honor." (Nancy Wilson)
I ruminate on this good quote and certain words jump out-Demeanor: the way a person behaves towards others.
So, respect for my husband is a demeanor that involves:
Eyes: respect for my husband grows as I activiely look for ways that God is at work in his life. Vigilantly study your husband, looking for qualities to respect and pray that God will open your eyes-you know, a critical eye blinds. List all the things you appreciate and admire about your husband-some may seem trivial.
Recently I invited a woman to my home for coffee; later as I walked her out to her car, I noticed and commented, "Look at that-my husband is awesome, he pulled the trash can to the curb this morning!" Now then, the trash can on the curb is trivial, and frankly, more often than not I think a critical thought when my husband doesn't. . . .
But that day, I noticed-and I respected my husband infront of my friend. . .God's grace, indeed.

disrespect focuses on differences. . .

the foolish woman tears down her house with her own hands. Disrespect focuses on differences. I married a man-more mud, more wet towels, more noise; while differences may tempt me to disrespect my husband, the biblical response to difference is forbearance. My husband has a Thomas Edison bent but I like to play it safe (well, not totally safe- my safe is just different!) Once my husband built a catalytic converter for our van; he envisioned amazing fuel economy-but his invention just set the engine on fire. Then I look at my face in the mirror. . .do the differences between my husband and me make me smile or make me irritated?

Disprespect focuses on weaknesses. We're not all strong in the same areas- some are more susceptible to discouragement, to anxiety, some struggle more with physical weakness. Considering my husband's weaknesses, I may be tempted to say, I don't know why this is such a problem for you!

So, at my house I see and hear words-my husband sees pictures and diagrams; I write words on paper-he sketches and doodles. One Sunday morning we discussed our afternoon plans-lunch after church at a friend's home, but since my husband had a meeting, I would ride with the hostess and he would follow --simple enough.

"Would you ask Mary to draw me a map to her house?" my husband asked.
"Really- draw you a map? Couldn't she just tell you the directions? (and my mind belittled. . .)

My scenario has to do with differences, but also with weaknesses; my husband and I are different in the way we communicate, and each is strong in a different way.

Aye, what's a woman to do? Well, I can choose to repent, choose to respect my husband, to remember God's grace upon grace. . . right there is the Gospel applied to my heart. . .and your's.

more later-the wise woman builds. . .

a critical eye

. . .the foolish woman tears down her house with her own hands.

So, I observe in myself and in other women how disrespect criticizes. . .
I"m out of town for a week, visiting my children and grandchildren, and when I come home. . .well, I have to guard my heart-I know the temptation to look around my house and wonder, "What did he do while I was away?"
And I wonder-does your husband ever fail to meet your expectaions?
Perhaps your husband is working on a job around the house, but he doesn't complete the job according to your expectation. . . instead of believing the best about your husband (1 Corinthians 13:7), instead of remembering that his priorities may be different than your's, you believe the worst. . .you might think, He's been playing solitare on the computer! (or riding his bike). Then maybe you nag him. . .
"I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgement." (Romans 12:3)
I've been thinking a lot about that verse -when I'm critical of my husband (or others), then I' thinking more highly of myself than I ought to think-Ahh, hideous pride.
Remember, a critical eye blinds. . .blinds you to the many things to respect about your husband.
(and there's more. . .)

a trifling thing. . .

. . .the foolish woman tears down her house with her own hands.
I've noticed how the temptation to disrespect my husband inches in by way of petty annoyances-like where he parks his bike or stores his tools . . .whether he drapes his shirts or closes the closets . . .when he looses his keys. . .
Petty: of trivial importance, a trifling thing. . . in a heart beat, in our minds, a trifling thing grows huge.
Early one morning I stepped out of the shower and caught a lovely wave of classical music, then pound-pound booming from the kitchen; it was my husband, attacking the block of Mexican brown sugar with an ice pick, sugar for his hot cocoa. . .a petty annoyance, noise in the morning, irritating, disturbing my peace (and where? I wondered, did those little chips of brown sugar fly off to?)
Today- identify a petty annoyance that provokes you to think a disrespectful thought about your husband-then repent.
1 Corinthians 13:7 whispers. . .love does not insist on its own way, love bears all things.

and of course, there's more. . .

For as a woman thinks. . .

The wise woman builds her house but the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands (Pro 14:1)
What a graphic word picture! And it's about women, imagine that?
Let's consider the destructive affects of disrespect: the wife who disrepects her husband tears down her house one board at a time with her own hands-the more she disrespects, the more she sees to disrespect.
So, what does disrespect look like? Sometimes disrespect bellows, but most often it sneaks. . . disrespect belittles, cut downs, talks down to, criticizes, nags, ignores; disrespect is sarcastic, impatient, rude. . .
Recently my 4 year old grandaughter sent me an email, dictated to her mom, "Gran, I hope you are not being rude to your Papi!" Ahh, I love it-I can hear her mother say to her, "Selma, love is not rude!" Selma's question makes me think of the connection between rudeness and disrespect.
Disrespect begins in the mind. . ."For as a man thinks within himself, so he is" (Pro 23:7)
Do you notice the arrows of disrespect that zing through your mind? (this is not my job. . .he makes more work for me.)
So, here's a challenge: Listen to how you talk to yourself about your husband. Catch and put off the subconscious thoughts that lead to disrespect.
And don't daydream! Daydreaming leads our minds down the path of disrespect; we're tempted to replay old offenses; we're tempted to compare. . .
Disrespect begins in the mind. God has given us criteria as to how we should think about our husbands; my pastor calls Philippians 4:8 the leash law for the mind. . .Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

I like to envision the leash, reigning in my wayward thoughts.
enough for now. . .but there's more

the problem

. . .and let the wife see to it that she respects her husband.
When I struggle to respect my husband, the root of the problem is my own sin, really-
Scripture doesn't give me permission to make the sins of my husband my first priority-but I'm tempted. . ."God, give me the desire and strength to obey you; make me attentive to my own sin."
Now then, attentiveness to my own sin will create humility in me, and that's a good thing. At the heart of my struggle to respect my husband is my pride-I think more highly of myself than I ought; God tells me to think of myself with sound judgement. (Rom 12:3)
In his book, When Sinners Say I Do, Dave Harvey writes, "Cultivate a healthy suspicion of your own heart motives."
hmm, sinful heart motives-like pride, selfishness, lack of love, desire to control, discontent, speck focused. . .speck focused? "And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" (Matt 7:3-5)

"An excellent wife is a crown to her husband, she who shames him is rottenness to his bones" (Prov 12:4)
Think for a moment about a rotten thing, you know-how a rotting thing looks, feels, smells. Disrespect rots! when I disrespect my husband, I dishonor God (who purchased me with his blood) and I shame my husband.
So-all this is sobering, my own sin problem, the rottenness of disrespect. . . and while sin erodes and destroys relationships on a horizontal level, sin impacts our relationship with God.
Sin is wrong not because of what it does to me or to my spouse or child or neighbor, but because it is an act of rebellion against the infinately majestic God. (Jerry Bridges)

enough for now. . .but there's more.

when it's hard. . .

And let the wife see to it that she respects her husband.
"Do you think this is such a struggle for all wives?" a woman asked me recently.
Well, yes-a struggle for all wives, because to obey God is to go against our nature.
But, no-not such a struggle, for some the struggle is less arduous, for others more, and frankly, some husbands are more difficult to respect (and some wives more difficult to love!)

Perhaps you are that wife in a particularly difficult situation; perhaps it seems asthough your husband is actively working against your efforts to obey God's command.
It's hard. . . looking through a biblical lense then, I know this is true:
1) God's command in Ephesians 5: 33 is true for all wives, without exception. And God is on the throne, his sovereignty rules over all. God doesn't get off the throne, stop ruling, when life is hard-so I remind myself. A firm reliance on God's sovereignty will help you and me to obey God.
2) Focus on God's glory. While pleasing God must always be my motive, a wife's conduct can impact her husband.
"Wives be subject to your own husbands so that even if some do not obey the Word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives when they see your respectful and pure conduct." (1 Pet 3:1-2)
What an amazing passage-God says here that a wife's respectful conduct has influence. It doesn't mean that she never says a word; we're told in other parts of Scripture to speak the truth in love, to be ready to give an answer for the hope that is within us, and a biblical reproof may be the most loving response to a husband who is sinning. However, this wife doesn't preach at her husband-she speaks fewer words and her respectful behavior is a powerful influence in her husband's life.
3) Trust God. . . Ah, yes, trust God. Scripture tells us how the holy women of old trusted God. Sarah respected her husband, calling him Lord; she hoped in God not being frightened by any fearful thing (1 Pet 3:5-6). That example is for you and me.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. . .we can do that, even when it's hard, because of Jesus-
because we know that Jesus is the author and perfecter of faith. . . (Heb 12:2)
Aye, sorry so long-enough for now, but there's more. . .

thinking biblically about respect-a command

A few weeks ago I wrote some thoughts about thinking biblically and about focus-about where I choose to focus the lense of my mind. I was preparing for a teaching opportunity. . .Thinking Biblically- Respecting Your Husband. So, I prepared it-and last Thursday I taught it. . .
Respect: to be in awe of, to honor, to treat as someone special, to esteem, to admire, to pay proper attention to (not ignore!), to show consideration for, to treat courteously, to heed (to listen to).

Ahh, a worthy pursuit, a huge topic, and no, I don't have it all figured out- but truth challenges my heart.
So, first the command: ". . .and let the wife see to it that she respects her husband."(Ephesians 5:33). Sometimes I chafe, imagining that God's commands just dangle, unattached. . . Soul, remember His character- our God is holy, not harsh-loving, not capricious nor fickle; every command He gives is meant for my good and assuredly, He gives the means and grace to obey. When I'm tempted to doubt God's goodness in this command, I remember. . ."He Himself bore our sins in his body on the cross that we might die to sin and live to righteousness." (1 Peter 2:24)
The wise will give heed. . .consider the loving kindness of the Lord (Ps 107:43)
God's command in Ephesians 5:33 is addressed to wives-all wives, without exception.
Wives are commanded to see to it that they respect-the command is worded in such a way as to lay the responsibility squarely on the wife's shoulders. (Have you ever noticed that as wives we see to it that alot gets done-errands, bills, meals, car pool, coffee, laundry, knitting, reading. . .?)
In Ephesians 5:33 respect is a verb, something we do or show. We know that out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks- so, respect begins in our hearts and is displayed in our words, attitudes, actions. . .toward our husbands.
"I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of the wife is her husband. . ." (1 Cor 11:33)
It's about God, about His design; He has set the husband as head, and He calls the wife to honor that postion. I've been thinking about it, focusing my biblical lense. . .respect is to be rendered to my husband because God has required it, not because my husband has earned it. Respecting my husband is a decision I make to obey God's Word. It's really all about God-and me.
Enough for now. . .but there's more.

one about focus. . .

brown eyes, blue eyes

I'm trying to become a better photographer. . . Florence and her sweet Mama make a lovely subject, don't you think? So, I'm practicing with aperture and shutter speed, attempting to figure out lighting and focus-I'm working at it.

And I'm studying for a teaching opportunity at the end of the month. Think biblically, I scribbled at the top of my page. Biblical thinking is a lot like focus with my camera. Sometimes the wrong image is in focus, the bush rather than the boy- sometimes everything is out of focus- Blurry! I notice how my camera focuses on what appears to be the prominent image--but really, I need to tell it where to focus!
Likewise, by thinking biblically, I'm telling the lense of my mind where to focus. . .I choose to view my circumstances through the lense of the gospel, remembering that I've been redeemed wtih the precious blood of Christ, He loved me and delivered himself up for me!
And I view my life through the lense of eternity-set your mind on the things above where Christ is. . .and through the lense of truth, God's Word-for the grass withers and the flowers fade, but the Word of God endures forever-

Hmm. . .so we'll see where this takes me--with my camera, with the teaching topic at hand-and in my life, amid it all. . .where I chose to focus the lense of my mind.

We make it our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to the Lord (2 cor 5:9)