Ahhh, the tongue. . .

Respect is a demeanor that should characterize all your communication to and about your husband.
. . . so obviously true, why even remind ourselves? But the desire to manipulate and control others with my tongue is also obvious - I need repeated reminders, over and over reminders.
"She opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." This woman communicates grace to her husband! She opens her mouth in wisdom; she displays respect, and then I'm sure she knows when to close her mouth. . .
So-how do we communicate respect-

• Respect your husband verbally-tell him that you respect him!
• write your husband a respect letter-include the obvious things you respect about him; thank him for working hard, for coming home night after night.
• Examine how you communicate about your husband when you are with other women. What impression to you give to others about your husband? (I think that the husband of the Proverbs 31 woman was known in the gates because of how she talked to others about him.)

One morning last fall a young woman invited me to her home for brunch; among the the group, I met the hostess's 2 aunts, women about my age who spoke little English. The food was amazing and the table conversation in 2 languages was fun. Then the woman to my right pointed to me, "Your husband good" and she repeated the identical statement, pointing to each woman around the table. Then she pointed to herself, "My husband no good!" Our young hostess spoke up, "She has a good husband-he works very hard."
Never downgrade your husband to anyone! with just 4 words in a language she barely spoke, this woman gave us an awful impression of her husband.
Perhaps my words aren't so blunt, my scenario not so glaring-but I've been there, I'm sure.
I'm thinking about GRACE. . .

just a small black book and a new year

I chose a jar of blueberry jam from the family gift exchange basket-and one morning after Christmas I made scones and opened the jam.
"Mom! jam with scones?" Rachel questioned. Well, usually it's toast and jam, but that morning I couldn't resist that lovely jam. . .
Every year I buy a new calendar the week after Christmas-a simple habit.
Last week Gabrielle, Rachel and Jamey were discussing calendars and planners, making choices, customizing their own--and I listened, impressed by their commitment to manage time and responsibilities.
So, the holiday dust has settled and I'm looking at my desk that resembles a volcano. . .and my small black calendar book; it's basic black with little squares for each day in 2012 and a lined page opposite. This one should suit me fine.
hmm, what do I want and anticipate from 2012. . .? Well, mostly I want to filter the entire year through an eternal lense, like I want to write created for forever in each little square in my black book, and then live it. . .

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. (C.S. Lewis)

more about respect-and listening

A wise woman builds. . .
So, respect is the opener of eyes-the more I respect about my husband, the more I will see to respect.

And respect is a demeanor that involves listening.
to listen: to pay proper attention to, to heed.

I ask myself: Do I listen carefully, or do I tune out? (when he talks to me about bicycles or the like!)
When I ask my husband, "How was your day?" do I listen, really?

Attentive listening is one of the most significant ways a wife fulfills her helper role. And besides, half listening is rude!

A young woman shared with me that her husband was wrestling with some big decisions regarding their future. "What are you doing to help him?" I asked.

"Well, when he talks to me about these issues, I ask him if he wants me to say something. . .to give my opinion, or this time would he rather that I just listen."

hmmm, good for her. . .

a home for the lonely

Our friend, Ralph, lives in the room above our garage-he's in and out, using parts of our house; we're glad he's here.

So, on New Years Eve John and I, Rachel, Brett and Mercy prepared dinner (I harvested the huge white cauliflower from the front garden!)

Ralph was with us in the kitchen, washing his dishes; then I heard Brett initiate, "Ralph, does your family have any New Year's traditions?"

"I don't have a family," he said.

I wanted to run in there- to emphatically remind Ralph, "We're your family, remember?. . .and remember, the church is your family!"

God is a father of the fatherless and a judge for the widows. . .God makes a home for the lonely. (Ps 68:5-6)

God makes a home. . . God puts the lonely in families.

So- on the threshold of 2012, I'm thinking alot about how I can cooperate with God- making a home for our friend, giving him a taste for the Kingdom-loving others more, loving myself less. . .for Jesus sake.

And reflecting on family. . .we just met sweet Evelyn, our newest member- born at the close of 2011

respectful demeanor

A wise woman builds. .
So, I've been writing a lot about how disrespect tears down-enough of that. . .
Stop tearing down! Begin to focus on your husband's good qualities even if these are not the qualities you want him to have. . .start to build.
"Respect is a demeanor that should characterize wives in all their conduct towards their husbands and in all their communication to or about their husbands--this means courtesy in the home where the husband is treated with honor." (Nancy Wilson)
I ruminate on this good quote and certain words jump out-Demeanor: the way a person behaves towards others.
So, respect for my husband is a demeanor that involves:
Eyes: respect for my husband grows as I activiely look for ways that God is at work in his life. Vigilantly study your husband, looking for qualities to respect and pray that God will open your eyes-you know, a critical eye blinds. List all the things you appreciate and admire about your husband-some may seem trivial.
Recently I invited a woman to my home for coffee; later as I walked her out to her car, I noticed and commented, "Look at that-my husband is awesome, he pulled the trash can to the curb this morning!" Now then, the trash can on the curb is trivial, and frankly, more often than not I think a critical thought when my husband doesn't. . . .
But that day, I noticed-and I respected my husband infront of my friend. . .God's grace, indeed.

airport? bus station?

I've been traveling a bit, visiting my children and grandchildren in Dallas and Memphis. I pieced together a travel plan including train, plane, bus, car-a travel mosaic!
I purchased an airplane ticket on line, one-way, Dallas to Memphis. I knew the plane would be small. . .but not so small. I should have suspected when the clerk asked, "Your weight, Ma'am?. . . you'll have to buckle your bag into a free seat, or you can check it." So, I checked it-we were 9 passengers, no empty seats.
The first flight landed in central Arkansas and taxied up to a little building- like a bus station.
"I didn't receive a boarding pass for the next flight," I told the fellow at the little counter.
"We don't give boarding passes, Ma'am."
Of course, my name was on a list, on a little clipboard and I spied my one lone suitcase on the tarmac; the guy with the clipboard stuck my bag into the belly of a little airplane-a 6 seater, really. . . (I didn't sign up for this)
We were in the air and I couldn't ignore the sky-the outside was inside. . .(I didn't sign up for this.) Through the engine noise I wanted to call to the pilot, "I've had enough, let me off," but instead I kept knitting really fast.
We landed in Memphis and Lindsey called, "Where are you? I'm at baggage claim."
I could see the airport in the distance-Where? maybe I'm at the bus station, I thought.
Later I related my day to John-he laughed, "If I had been with you, then we would have had fun together!
So, now I'm home-I love the mosaic of people who filled my travel days. . .

Gwyneth in Memphis

disrespect focuses on differences. . .

the foolish woman tears down her house with her own hands. Disrespect focuses on differences. I married a man-more mud, more wet towels, more noise; while differences may tempt me to disrespect my husband, the biblical response to difference is forbearance. My husband has a Thomas Edison bent but I like to play it safe (well, not totally safe- my safe is just different!) Once my husband built a catalytic converter for our van; he envisioned amazing fuel economy-but his invention just set the engine on fire. Then I look at my face in the mirror. . .do the differences between my husband and me make me smile or make me irritated?

Disprespect focuses on weaknesses. We're not all strong in the same areas- some are more susceptible to discouragement, to anxiety, some struggle more with physical weakness. Considering my husband's weaknesses, I may be tempted to say, I don't know why this is such a problem for you!

So, at my house I see and hear words-my husband sees pictures and diagrams; I write words on paper-he sketches and doodles. One Sunday morning we discussed our afternoon plans-lunch after church at a friend's home, but since my husband had a meeting, I would ride with the hostess and he would follow --simple enough.

"Would you ask Mary to draw me a map to her house?" my husband asked.
"Really- draw you a map? Couldn't she just tell you the directions? (and my mind belittled. . .)

My scenario has to do with differences, but also with weaknesses; my husband and I are different in the way we communicate, and each is strong in a different way.

Aye, what's a woman to do? Well, I can choose to repent, choose to respect my husband, to remember God's grace upon grace. . . right there is the Gospel applied to my heart. . .and your's.

more later-the wise woman builds. . .